We did not release a “Week Zero Winners” article last week – during Week Zero, are we insane?! – but you should know that we were indeed Week Zero Winners (take a listen below)!
For faithful listeners, we make you painfully aware in this week’s pod (listen below) – ehhm, not to brag… again, but 5-0 ain’t bad.
It’s clear… we aren’t the humblest of winners. But we also like to laugh at ourselves sometimes and not take the picks so serious. With that said, it is now time for our somewhat satirical weekly picks article, Week Zero Winners.
Bowling Green @ Tennessee -35 | o/u 61| 8:00 E | SECN | Rocky Top (Thursday)
Pettey: Bowling Green is known for aviation and Tennessee is known for players flying off the team. Yeah, I got jokes. Will Heupel finally be then answer Rocky Top has been looking for since the Clinton administration. Who knows but this seems like an awfully big spread for a depleted team.
Week Zero Winner: Vols 42 – BG 17
Michael: No two words strike more fear into Vol Nation than ‘Transfer Portal.’ In fact, if you’re watching the Bama v. Miami game this weekend, you may see two former Vols, the leading tackler and the sack leader from the 2020 defense, who have taken their talents elsewhere to duke it out for wins, rather than just pride… But that’s not why we’re here. Let’s talk Tennessee 2021. Coach Heupel will try and bring some of that Oklahoma Sooner flair to a historically bad offense, but how long will that take? This Bowling Green team also wears a gross shade of orange and they are far from a juggernaut. Frankly, they’re really, really bad. They went 0-5 in their abridged 2020 schedule, losing to the likes of Toledo, Kent St. and Ohio by more than the 35 it would take to cover this game. If Tennessee is going to get a cover this year, maybe it’s Saturday! Let’s toss the old dogs a bone.
Week Zero Winner: Vols 52 – The Other Orange Team 10
UL-Monroe @ Kentucky -31 | o/u 54 | Noon E | SECN | Lexington
Pettey: Michael should love me for the work I put in this week. I had to type out the details to a lot shitty games. On an insane note, I discovered Terry Bowden is now the coach at La Monroe. Wow, that dude hasn’t been relevant since Kris Kross and I don’t expect that to change. Funny story, I met him in a bar one night in Jackson, Mississippi. The short jokes I heard during his time at Auburn are prudent. I think he is now as wide as he is tall which is funny. To top that off, Rich Rod is their new OC and his son is their QB – what a weird cocktail. If anything, it does add a little more intrigue into the game. But don’t get ahead of yourself, Kentucky has quietly become a solid program under Stoops. So, give me the Cats and I’ll give all those points.
Week Zero Winner: Cats 52 – Warhawks 13
Michael: In my storied history, I have spent an afternoon as a UK fan, but it was basketball. Actually, “cat for a day” as I so loving called that experience was fantastic – for everyone except the Baylor basketball team. It’s the one time in history I can say I impacted the game. But I digress, this is football season, and as shocking as it may be to some, Kentucky actually has a football team. And, they aren’t bad. On the other hand, UL – Monroe finished 2020 on a high note, at 0-6… losing to the likes of Army, Texas St. and UTEP by more than 20 points each.. yikes. Maybe that’s why they took a time machine back to the early 1990s to find an accomplished coach from that decade.. one Terry Bowden, yes you heard that right. My guess is it will take him a while to turn this program around. However, I expect he can muck it up enough to keep the score somewhat low and allow the Warhawks to say within the massive line.
Week Zero Winner: UK 38 – Warhawks 9
Rice @ Arky -19.5 | o/u 50 | 2:00 E | ESPN+(lol) | Land of Deliverance
Pettey: Read above. This one isn’t even on TV you have to pay for it, and who is gonna do that. Pittman was honestly the surprise of the SEC last year in my eyes. They could be better and finish last in a brutal West. Also, a Bama dude left the sideline and tackled a Rice player one time to prevent an embarrassing TD. WTF was he thinking.
Week Zero Winner: Pigs 34 – San Francisco Treat 3
Michael: Here’s the deal, they wear hollowed out pigs’ heads on their own heads… That’s some American Horror Story type shit that I’m just not down with. Looks more like a murderous religious cult than a stadium full of football fans. Having said that, Pettey’s right, Pittman was the surprise of the year at Arky, but will they take the next step? Rice actually pulled off a couple victories last year against somewhat respectable opponents, beating Southern Miss and Marshall while keeping it close with UAB. I guess that’s why this line seems low. However, I do think the pig heads take another step forward this year and make a little fried rice on Saturday.
Week Zero Winner: Arky 38 – Ricers 13
1 Alabama @ 14 Miami +19.5 | o/u 61.5 | 3:30 E | ABC | A – T – L
Pettey: Finally, a real game to predict. Miami is all excited and King is dynamic. The Tide is breaking in a new host of blue chips we will get to know over the next two years before they go pro. Bama with all of the new question marks are a 3-td favorite over a preseason top 15 team. Nuts. I’ll take Bama every week and come out on top in the end.
Week Zero Winner: Pachyderms 34 – Tha U 10
Michael: HOMER ALERT! You’ve heard the expression that says to “take this with a grain of salt,” but for this breakdown, you should take this with all the grains of salt in the Pacific Ocean. Roll fucking tide. The Bill O’Brien era starts Saturday in Atlanta but hold your horses for just a second. I don’t expect to see the downfield attacking O’Brien O that we saw in Houston, immediately. Expect a first quarter offensive gameplan that is designed to build new QB Bryce Young’s confidence. HOWEVER, nothing builds confidence like an 80-yard bomb so I’ll keep my fingers crossed. This game may start out a bit clunky, but by the middle of the 3rd quarter, expect the Tide to have the game well in hand. One final word, LOOK OUT FOR #17. Several Freshmen WR’s at Bama are getting buzz, but I haven’t seen a receiver pass the eye test like Agiye Hall since one Julioooooooooooo. LET’S GO!!
Week Zero Winner: BAMMER 48 – Sailor Ducks in a Storm 13
Louisiana Tech @ The Cowbell -23 | o/u 52.5 | 4:00 E | ESPNU | Starkvegas
Pettey: The Pirate beat another team from Louisiana to start last season – a much better one in LSU – so I expect the same this year.
Week Zero Winner: Clanga Cowbell 42 – La Tech 21
Michael: Lesser teams struggle against the air raid. Even if they know all you need to do is sit back in zone and anticipate the pre-snap read, it can be too much if you don’t have the Jimmys. But that’s a lesson for another day. Leach will need to get started off right this year, so expect some fireworks.
Week Zero Winner: Pirates 43 – La Tech 9
Akron @ Auburn -36.5 | o/u 55 | 7:00 E | ESPN+ | Native American Burial Grounds
Pettey: It’s a shame Terry Bowden is no longer the coach at Akron. Seeing him coach against his former team two decades later while still getting paid hush money by them would be thrilling TV. But enough about Terry, I have thought more about him in this write up than I have in 30 years. No idea here. Auburn usually looks ugly out of the gate against bad teams. Give me the points.
Week Zero Winner: Plainsmen 42 – Zips 10
Michael: I have literally no idea what to expect from Coach ‘Personal Choice’ Harsin. However, the zips only hope is a COVID outbreak down on the plains. But this line is big, and I expect the newly installed Boise State scheme can handle the likes of Akron enough to win, but cover? I don’t know. We shall see.
Week Zero Winner: Barners 31 – Zips 13
FAU @ 13 Florida -23.5 | o/u 52 | 7:30 E | SECN | Swamp
Pettey: Mullen is one of the coaches that knows the spreads of his games. He also beats teams he is supposed to. Their defense should stymie the Hooters.
Week Zero Winner: Gators 52- Owls 7
Michael: BLOWOUT WARNING. I hope Florida starts slow, just to give the arm chompers some anxiety. But, this isn’t a lower tier SEC team… it’s worse. We are talking a lower tier FBS team, now that Kiffin has left for the Rebs. This one will get ugly, but let’s hope for an early shocker or two from the FAU.
Week Zero Winner: Lizards 45 – Owls 13
5 Georgia @ 3 Clempson -3 | o/u 51 | 7:30 E | ABC | Charlotte, NC
Pettey: The biggest game of the opening slate should be pretty good theatre. I can’t pronounce the Clemson QB name and I’m to lazy to look it up. But apparently, he is legit. JT Daniels now has a year under his belt and has his own set of weapons. I’m not an ‘S-E-C S-E-C’ Chant guy but for some reason I’m feeling Georgia here.
Week Zero Winner: UGA 24 – Tigers 20
Michael: For some reason, it always feels like the big stage is just too much for the Dawgs. No matter when we look at them, from the legendary ‘Black Out’ to ‘2nd and 26,’ all the way to last year’s Notre Dame barn burner, they always play down (or in some cases up) to their competition. For that reason, I expect this game to come down to the wire, despite what should be a solid win for the Dawgs. Clemson is the pride of the little brother state that leaches off its northern neighbor. However, that Clemson D has lost some of its edge over the years, and supposedly, UGA finally has a stud QB. I’m picking UGA for my Georgia buddies, but I will not be shocked, AT ALL, if the Dawgs choke… as is tradition.
Week Zero Winner: UGA 29 – Pride of the ‘Sidecar State’ 27
Kent St. @ 6 A&M -28.5 | o/u 67 | 8:00 E | ESPNU | College Station
Pettey: The team cheered on by dude cheerleaders…by a lot.
Week Zero Winner: Ags 52- Kent St. 3
Michael: My co-host has an unhealthy fascination with male cheerleaders. That has been established, so I will avoid that topic. All pundits are pointing to the Aggies having a great year. I expect that to materialize, with reservations. First, Bama. Next, an upstart Ole Miss team that may give them fits. Finally, their butts are still stinging from the Texas OU acquisition. But in the end, we’re talking Kent State here. And Nick Saban is not in the secondary.
Week Zero Winner: Farm Hands 51 – Flashes 14
16 LSU @ UCLA +3 | o/u 65 | 8:30 E | Fox | Rose Bowl
Pettey: I remember a time when Bama started the season in LA with high hopes. I say that for a reason…this will also be the beginning of the end for LSU.
Week Zero Winner: Bruins 31- Tigers 24
Michael: I don’t think I need to say anything I haven’t already said in the last 2 years of the podcast. Here’s an early farewell to Coach O’Chizik. However, BIIIIIG IF, LSUs new ‘passing coordinator’, former RB coach of the Panthers who spent a single year with Joe Brady, has chops anything like those of his quasi-mentor, then the College Football world could be in for a ride. LSU always has the talent, it’s just the coaching that has been putrid (with the exception of Joe Brady’s season as ‘head’ coach – yeah, I said it… he did more coaching in 1 year than O has done in his career). Also, the trip to Houston for practice this week could actually galvanize the team if Coach O plays it right, which, who am I kidding, is a long shot.
Week Zero Winner: UCLA 38 – Coach O’Chizik 20
Louisville @ Ole Miss -10 | o/u 75.5 | 8:00 E | ESPN | A – T – L (MondaY)
Pettey: Yup I’m a homer but get ready for flying clipboards because the Rebs and the Lanetrain are going to make a statement.
Week Zero Winner: Hotty Toddy 52- Cards 31
Michael: If the Ole Miss defense improves by .00001% they have a chance to win 8 regular season games. If they improve by 40 or 50% as some are expecting, they could be in competition for 10. I think Joey Freshwater is dying to call a few TD’s.
Week Zero Winner: Rebs 47 – Cards 29
Well folks, that’s about it for week 1 in the SEC. Come back next week for another edition of Week Zero Winners! Let us know what you think in the comments below.