We mentioned last week we weren’t the humblest winners. It’s true, we aren’t. That has a lot to do with the fact that we are painfully aware that at some point the proverbial gambling tides will turn and we will revert to the mean. That’s how this always works. Alas, until that actually happens, we will bask in the glow of our hotness.
Let’s recap shall we. On the podcast – the one you should all be listening to – we are currently 12-1 on our official picks against the spread. That’s stupid by the way, and it doesn’t happen often. HOWEVER, in these here satirical predictions we call Week Zero Winners Pettey was 9-2 against the spread and Michael was 6-5 with several DEAD ON scores predictions. That means if you bet every SEC game… which is insane and we don’t advise, you would have won money – actually lots of it. Moreover, in our legendary Pick’em league, with 75 other seasoned gamblers, we are currently sitting in first and second place after week one.
So… now that we have sufficiently and most certainly jinxed the ever-living hell out of ourselves, on with our brilliant analysis. And don’t forget, LISTEN TO THE PODCAST!
South Carolina @ East Carolina PK | o/u 58| Noon E | ESP2 | Greenville
Pettey: The Governor of the side car state, in a state of embarrassment due to the state’s name being in association with the fledgling cocks, has decreed that if the Pirates can pull of the victory this weekend in Columbia, the state will be renamed East Carolina. Why not Clemson you ask, after the states dominant program? Well frankly, that would be a stupid state name. But you can rest easy, people of the tree and moon state, I don’ think you have to change any signage just yet.
Week Zero Winner: Cocks 42 – Purple Pirates 39
Michael: It’s rare that I get to read my co-hosts ramblings before I make mine, but luckily for us, I did this week. And I think the crack rock from this week’s podcast is still kickin’, because my boy forgot about the Chanticleers! Screw naming the state after the pirates, the best team in the state resides in CONWAY! Now, let’s be real, they don’t want any of the Tigers over in Clempson, but I think this claim can go both ways. Anway, who cares about this game. Let’s hope the Cocks don’t embarrass the SEC any further. I’m not even handicapping this one, just pulling a score out of thin air. Go cocks! (I really don’t mean that, I just love saying it)
Week Zero Winner: Cocks 31 – Pirates 30
Pittsburg @ Tennessee +3.5 | o/u 57 | Noon E | ESPN | Rocky Top
Pettey: For two drives it looked like UT was going to cruise and bludgeon Bowling Green like every other team they played last year. Then it got weird. Still a lot of holes, which are to be expected but they struggled to find any consistency offensively the rest of the game. Pitt dominated our favorite team to bet against, Umass. There is a reason they are favored here.
Week Zero Winner: Pitt 31 – Pitiful 21
Michael: Turn off your SEC bias for a minute. If you look at these two teams, you have Pitt which is a well-coached, defensive minded team against a team with a new coach. It’s not going to be easy on offense for the Vols this week. On the other hand, it’s never easy on offense for Pitt. I avoid totals like the plague, but I will be all over the under on this one. My only fear is INTs by the swarming Pitt secondary – that could lead to easy points. But, I’ll be sweating my dick off with the under.. Let’s go.
Week Zero Winner: Pitt 21 – Vols 17
13 Florida @ South Florida +28.5 | o/u 59 | 1:00 E | ABC | Champa Bay
Pettey: Champa Bay is such a dumb term. Yet like a sheep there it is. Mullen, usually point spread savvy and solid in covering against chumps, let me down and allowed the backdoor cover last weekend. Cousin Eddie rolled with Emory Jones for the first three quarters, and it was rocky. Later, enter a prototypical Dan Mullen, Dak Prescott looking QB who proceeded to roll all over FAU. I have a hunch it will now be the Anthony Richardson show from here on out and Mullen makes his money back from the bookies this week.
Week Zero Winner: Florida 49 – South (Central) Florida 3
Michael: South Florida was trounced last week… by NC State. Yes that NC state. In fact, they didn’t even score. Florida is better than NC State. The end.
Week Zero Winner: Lizards 51 – Calves Zilch
UAB @ 2 Georgia -24.5 | o/u 46 | 3:30 E | ESP2 | Athens
Pettey: Nokobe Dean was worth every penny in that duffle bag given to him the night before signing day. The Dawgs and Ole Miss are officially even for the Laremy Tunsil purchase. Dean and Co. devastated Clemson to the tune of 7 sacks and 3 total points. Read my thoughts later this week for deeper insights on the other side of the ball for Georgia – which is a whole different story. However, it won’t matter this week and JT will have a better stat sheet against the Dragons of UAB, if he plays.
Week Zero Winner: UGA 42 – Blazers 0
Michael: The Georgia offense looked as bad as their defense looked good. I get it, I’m a Bama fan. We lost the “Game of the Century” 9 – 6. But that doesn’t mean I thought our offense was good. It was better than that score, but it was still atrocious. Fast-forward to 2021 where offense is the name of the game, and UGA is still embarrassingly lame on offense. I guess we now know for certain that Kirby downloaded everything he could from Lord Saban while at Bama, and he hasn’t had a single innovation of his own since them. I expect the offense can handle scoring a few points against the likes of the Birmingham Blazers, but they’ll probably give away a couple field goals as they TRY to get creative. Take solace in being at the bottom of the top until you find some ‘O’. That defense will keep you in every game.
Week Zero Winner: UGA 24 – Blazers 6
5 Texas A&M -17 @ Colorado | o/u 49.5 | 3:30 E | ESPNU | Mile High
Pettey: This is an odd match up. Maybe A&M is working to go back out West since big bro is headed this way, and I guess they are testing the waters. It will be interesting to see the progression of A&M’s QB during his first road test. Call me crazy, call me an Ag basher – both are accurate – but I like the Buffs to keep it in the number.
Week Zero Winner: Ags 35 – Buffs 21
Michael: Colorado sucks. This is a mismatch.
Week Zero Winner: Tractor Drivers 37 – Buffalos 13
NC State @ Miss State +2.5 | o/u 55.5 | 7:00 E | ESP2 | Starkvegas
Pettey: What a great comeback by the dogs last week. 21 points in the 4th quarter is awesome. Never mind you were down 20 to La Tech in the 4th and the coach crapped all over himself down the stretch but it was a great win… seriously. Honestly, at what point was the internal pep talk that all was well because… Omaha baby. This is a weird line after last week. When lines get weird so do I.
Week Zero Winner: Howlers 35 – Leg Humpers 38
Michael: Let’s hope, for the sake of the bell ringers, that the pirate was holding back on offense until it was almost too late. That might actually give the wolves something to study. The wolfpack had a strong showing against South Florida last week, chuckle. But they did pitch a shutout, so maybe the D is back to the NC State standard. We shall see. I’m not going to play this game because I think the line is pretty dead on (how’s that for maturity). But if I had to take a guess…
Week Zero Winner: Domesticated Dogs 27 – Wild Dogs 21
15 Texas @ Arky +6.5 | o/u 56.5 | 7:00 E | ESPN | Land of Deliverance
Pettey: Old school Southwest Conference rivalry when both were a national power reunited in a future SEC matchup where they long for those days. On paper the Horns have the upper hand. Something tells me the Pigs have had this one circled all off season and can keep it tight at home.
Week Zero Winner: Horns 31- Hogs 27
Michael: This game has confounded me. Yes the guy who has something smart assed to say about every game just can’t seem to get a bead on this one. On one hand, you have an upstart Texas team, led by my former OC, the booger eater himself, Sark. They seemed to make progress against the powerhouse of Louisiana – yeah you probably don’t even know who I’m talking about when I just say Louisiana – color me unimpressed. Arky, on the other hand, looked like a stool sample until late in the game against Rice. I really don’t know how either of these teams will fare against decent competition – which, lets face it, is a stretch. I think Pittman showed some promise last year, and he’s seen the Sark O. So, I’m going to hold my nose and make this pick, because I have zero faith in it. I guess I’ll take talent over experience in this one.
Week Zero Winner: Texas 34 – Hogs 23
Mizzou @ Kentucky -5 | o/u 56 | 7:30 E | SECN | Lexington
Pettey: What did we learn about Kentucky last week. We learned that Mark Stoops not only knows the spread, he tries like hell to cover for those degenerates around him that took his team. Up 28 points with one minute to go needing a touch down to cover the spread…99% of coaches kill the clock. Not Mr. Stoops, that hero was throwing in the end zone and was rewarded for his efforts in a magical cover. Give me the gambler over the goober from Mizzou.
Week Zero Winner: The Team Who Doesn’t Belong 21 – KY Jelly 31
Week Zero Winner: Blue Cats 31 – Black Tigers 24
Vandy @ Colorado St. -7 | o/u 51 | 10:00 E | CBSSN | Who Cares
Pettey: Two SEC teams in Colorado on the same day. Can I make a suggestion Vandy… hit up a dispensary that sells the devils lettuce, maybe the only joy you get from the trip because you are worse than hot garbage at the hut-hut. They suck something special. FADE THEM!
Week Zero Winner: Vandy 2- Colorado St. 22
Michael: Wow. I thought the last matchup was bad. Also, I see my boy Pettey is calling a safety. Maybe I should see if I can get this prop bet. Should pay about +5000! This is the battle of the 2 worst teams in which you can recognize their name. Vandy is an absolute shit show. How did that team fall so far from the James Franklin days. And what about Colorado State? They got their asses handed to them by San Diego State. Yikes. In the end, I doubt many people are worse than Vandy this year. Maybe they need to schedule UMass to try and get a win. MAYBE they could score on UMass. I’m feeling the under unless the Rams can score 50 on their own.
Week Zero Winner: Vandy 6 – Colorado State 34
Ole Miss, Bama, Auburn, and LSU are playing but have no lines this week due to how bad they are going to smoke the teams they are playing. Granted, the Bama D will need to think on their toes, because they’re going up against the vaunted Wishbone. And not so fast LSU, McNeese St. may wear sissy blue this weekend!
Hope you enjoy your football weekend and may the odds ever be in your favor!