This article was written by a friend of Week Zero and host of the podcast My Mom Thinks Your Dumb, Beau Ray, and doesn’t not necessarily represent the views of Week Zero.

Florida

THE SWAMP.

It used to be the name of your stadium, now it is the situation you find yourselves in. I heard Steve Spurrier the other day on the radio, and he brought up a good point. Florida, coached then by Steve Spurrier, was the first new team to win a national championship in 1996. No team that has not previously won a national championship in football has won one since then. So, Florida is on the list of teams that could win a national title. Bad news gator friends, Danny Wuerfell is not walking through that door. Tebow is off being cut by Urban Meyer in Jacksonville, which is better than him doing some circumcision…cutting on some unsuspecting third world child. Florida is good for another team, but they are not Florida good and sadly, they may never be Florida good again.

Missouri

SERIOUSLY, WHY?

Why are they in the SEC?? They somehow went to the SEC championship their first two years in the league, so I guess they feel like they belong. Shame on you SEC East! I don’t have anything to say about this team. They suck and I hope their former head coach keeps doing a great job as the Arkansas defensive coordinator. I kept hoping when they announced that we were adding Texas and Oklahoma that we would also announce that we are getting rid of Missouri. They just don’t belong and if there were 40 teams in the SEC, then I wouldn’t have Missouri be one of them. I hope this doesn’t make Missouri fans mad. HA! HA! I am just kidding there are no Missouri fans…at all. Man, they suck.

South Carolina

BASEBALL SEASON.

What are they doing? Frank Beamer was a good coach, so I don’t want to be mean. But what are they even doing? Just go and buy some players and be good at football! What is hard about this formula? Buy good players and you are good at football, or don’t have players and you are South Carolina at football. Remember when they had Jadeveon and Marcus Lattimore? Figure it out Dude! Don’t tell me South Carolina doesn’t have players! No Shit! Really!? Somehow, Clemson has players and last time I checked they should be the Auburn of your state. Enough said, buy players and be better at football or don’t and you will be in Missouri’s boat in a couple more years. Damnit Gamecocks! Get your act together!

Kentucky

BASKETBALL SUCKS.

What happened Kentucky? You guys used to at least have basketball. This last year you sucked at that, so I really don’t know what to think. Tim Couch is not walking through that door. I apparently love door references. I don’t really know how good you are going to be this year. I got my hopes up a couple of years ago when you guys were undefeated and playing Georgia in like week 7. Guess what happened? You weren’t ready for that. Is it talent? You have a guy on campus who has notoriously been able to find, recruit / pay, and coach excellent players. Somewhere between Stoops, Joker Phillips, and Calipari you guys should be able to get a few duffel bags full of cash together and find about ten more Benny Snell’s and Josh Allen’s. Let’s go Wildcats, have some pride.

Tennessee

DUMPSTER FIRE.

The Nebraska of the SEC is an undeserved compliment often paid to this school and stupidly it is meant as an insult. Tennessee was never the program that Nebraska was. Never! Nebraska was a juggernaut of strength and efficiency that fat ass Phil Fulmer never attained. How in the world did Florida State lose to this team in the Fiesta Bowl in January of 1999? It just makes no sense. Free Shoe University was awesome! I don’t want to kick Tennessee when they are down, but when are they not down? They used to be a good program. Not Nebraska good, I must say not in any way were they nearly as good as Tom Osbourne’s program. In any way! Tennessee sucks and they should be better.

Vanderbilt

ANCHOR DOWN!

Finally the Vanderbilt University Commodores hired a former player to be their head coach. What a new and impressive idea! Wait, their new head coach has never been a head coach only an offensive coordinator at Notre Dame who is God’s team? This should work out Commodoretastic for you guys. I remember going to the first game of the 1992 season at Bryant Denny stadium where the Crimson Tide played the Commodores of Vanderbilt that day. Alabama of course beat the nerds that day and I was quite happy. In the fourth quarter of the game, I was at first maddened, and then overjoyed when the chant coming from the few Vanderbilt fans was explained to me that day…You see, the Vanderbilt section had begun chanting, “That’s alright, that’s okay, you’re gonna work for us one day!” I never have forgotten their chant that day which is why I say to you this day, Anchor Down!, and much love to the Commodores!

Georgia

WHERE’S COCHRAN?

Seriously, Where is Scott Cochran? Is he on your staff? Where is the deer antler spray because we know he has a backpack full of that stuff on him at all times? Cut the shit Kirby!?! Where is Scott? Also, good job of keeping your team under 350 yards a game. Keep your foot on the neck of your own offense my guy! Who was the only person to be able to keep Michael Jordan under 20 points a game? Dean Smith because he ran the stupid four corners offense even though he had as good or better talent at every position in every single game. The Kirbenator is doing the same thing today. He is a cybernetic organism who is programmed to make games boring and be in games that he should have already blown open.  I’m sure this is the year that Georgia breaks through though, Lord Saban’s former assistants have had a great track record when they take on their former boss, right?

LSU

LEVEE FUNDING.

I hope everyone was safe with Hurricane Ida. Seriously, how does anyone live below sea level? I mean, it is like going out in a boat with a hole in it. How do the levees keep failing? What are they spending their money on? It is dumber than Bo Pelini the way the state of Louisiana spends on their levees? Bo Pelini was a bad hire, but that doesn’t mean that Ed O needs to be replaced. Seriously, watch a pre-game stretch or them just getting off the bus! As an Alabama fan, we need Coach O to have a lifetime contract down there. They have so much talent it is scary. Not everyone can handle the yearly trials and tribulations of Lord Saban, so losing Aranda and Joe Brady and the offense to the NFL and other colleges is tough for mortal teams. LSU is capable of beating anyone they play, but also losing to anyone they face.

Mississippi State

MAROON RAINBOW.

This team still has three different shades of maroon. Seriously, this team is in the SEC so you know they get a huge paycheck at the end of the year. How are their pants one shade of maroon and their jerseys a slightly lighter shade of maroon? Then, just to make it look like the whole damn conference sucks, their helmets go back darker than their pants? So, you have three different shades of maroon on one uniform, you shouldn’t be allowed to play in the M.A.C. and somehow you are allowed to play in the SEC? Jackie Sherril sucks, warm beer sucks, you suck. Congratulations on your first national championship in any sport ever.

Texas A and M

MALE CHEERLEADERS.

How seriously can we take this team? Did everyone forget about Myles Garret attacking that backup qb with the Steelers? Garret claimed that the qb had made racist comments which led to him trying a deadly assault with a weapon on an NFL field?? Garret later revealed that he had made the whole racist comment thing up??? So, he went insane on the field and tried to kill or at least severely injure an opposing player by using a helmet as a weapon to attack the opposing player’s face and head??? Johnny Football is not walking through that door. I’m glad you guys have started recruiting. Good team that is getting way too much hype.

Ole Miss

JOEY FRESHWATER.

I mean, c’mon! Who is better? Nick Saban is the correct answer of course. I would have also accepted Ryan Day, Dabo Sweeney, or Spencer Rattler’s father A.K.A. the coach at Oklahoma. I hope he goes to the NFL because I get real doucheee vibes from Lincoln Riley. He worked on the pirate’s staff as a grad assistant, so you know he can talk in depth about Leaving Las Vegas and no one should be able to do that. Back to Ole Miss, man are they in a great situation to finish second in the SEC West! They have Matt Carrol who is not afraid of a tight window. He threw six interceptions in one game and I think five in two others so you know he needs a wheelbarrow to carry his jewels around campus. Did I mention he kicked Wayne Gretzky’s son’s ass? Tough games against LSU and A and M, and a loss to Alabama, but this team has an outside shot of making the playoff.

Auburn

INDIAN BURIAL GROUND.

That should say enough, but let’s dive deep on the Eagle Tigers. They hired the coach from Boise State, so you know they are going to be good. Remember when they beat Oklahoma in that bowl game in 2005, man they are good. Wait, it is not that coach, rather it is some coach that has won more than he lost for the last five years when you didn’t care about Boise State? Bad news people who don’t like Auburn, they hired a great defensive coordinator who had been serving as a head coach at a baseball school.  Seriously, he is a great defensive coordinator. They also hired Mike Bobo. If you can’t say something nice, just say they hired Mike Bobo as the offensive coordinator.

Arkansas

WALMART MONEY!

That is about the only thing that can improve this program. Especially with the new NIL money that can be paid to players. Y’all let me take my shoes off. Pittman is a sneaky good coach who came from Georgia’s dominant offensive line, so you know he has to be pretty good. The SMU coach who used to be there at least recruited wide receivers, so you know they are good at that spot. I don’t know what to tell you guys, Dan Skipper is not walking through that door. Yes those damn doors again. Shawn Andrews isn’t coming either. You win games in the trenches and with game wreckers and Darren McFadden, who isn’t on this team. Good luck against Mississippi State.

Alabama

FUCKING DOMINANCE!

Good job boys!

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