This article was written by a friend of Week Zero and host of the podcast My Mom Thinks Your Dumb, Beau Ray, and doesn’t not necessarily represent the views of Week Zero.

Great Mortals

I am sorry my thoughts are a tad delayed – my editor, Pettey, is worthless. That’s no reason to deprive you of my thoughts on Bama’s and Auburn’s performances from games that mattered. However, Georgia St. almost mattered.

Well, it appears that Alabama may just be composed of exceptional human beings. After last year and the first two games of this year, the team was seemingly a collection of cybernetic organisms that were unfairly matched against college players. So, after the contest in the Swamp, we at least now know the games are fair. Bryce Young is a man amongst boys – which is a strange realization, because in physical stature, he is the most boyish looking player on the field. Seeing him in the huddle makes me feel like one of the coaches allowed their middle school child onto the field… that is until the ball is snapped. Then you realize he is the best player on the field.

Also, it is 2021 so how freaking hard is it to get a game clock to work correctly? I mean we have smartphones that allow you to video conference with anyone, anywhere in the world, and you are telling me we can’t figure out a stupid clock? I felt like it was freaking soccer with a referee randomly saying: well now we are into stoppage time. No! That is not a thing. If there is time left, then it should show on the clock.

Listening to Gary Danielson do math to figure out the clock is beyond stupid. I hate his voice. If Gary Danielson had come up with the story of Jurassic Park, then it wouldn’t have been made. How is it possible to hate on both teams so often? It is not possible for the refs to cheat for both teams in the same drive, dumbass? The refs are humans that are barely the same species as the players they are attempting to officiate.

Also, I absolutely love when they bring in a referee who is asked to comment on a play that is being reviewed on the field. What a waste of time. Has a special guest referee ever made a call on a play? If so, then I have never seen it. I mean, where are they calling him in from? It’s ridiculous.

Jase McClellan cannot be our second-best option at running back. He simply can’t. I saw Roydell Williams in high school. Amazing! Just watch either Camar Wheaton or Trey Sanders on their high school tapes. They scored a touchdown every time they got the ball!

That Richardson quarterback for Florida must have actually been hurt because he could have at least helped them for a series. He sure looked like a gymnast in the pregame though. 

Lions and tigers and swears! Oh my! What a game between the Eagle Tigers and Nittany KiJana Carters! I have never cheered harder for Auburn. That was an absolutely amazing job by the down and distance guys! Give em’ three downs! Reminds me of a Colorado game a few years back. Anyway, whiteouts are racist which just adds to the list of reasons why no one should ever cheer for Penn State.

Soccer Moms

I certainly don’t want to upset a “target demographic,” but how, as Americans, did we let this become a thing? Soccer moms are a more polite synonym for shitty dads. For shame! Soccer still sucks right? I mean watching baseball is just as fun as watching soccer. Who is running NBC and decided to put soccer and lacrosse on tv?

Quick rant here: baseball sucks. Pitch the ball and hitters just put the ball in play. So boring! Thanks. Lacrosse is better to watch than soccer or baseball, but I would rather watch reruns of Jake and the Fat Man.

My son did play soccer one year, but he also played basketball, baseball, and flag football in the same year. I’ll be honest, the only reason I let him play soccer is because I heard Kobe say that it helped him with his footwork. I’ll anticipate your next question, “So, how were the games?” Stupid and pointless. My son slid and stole the ball from someone on the other team, and made some kid fall over when he did it. This idiot kid referee blows a whistle and gives my son a yellow card. I mean, what does that even mean? A yellow card? I gave him a high five.

You know what would make soccer better? If they let them use their hands and tackled each other. Rugby should be much more popular than soccer. Soccer is like a mustard, the metric system, and public transportation. It should make sense and be great, but it is just not for me. As a dad, you have certain responsibilities: 1) Teach your child to be able to swim. It is not that hard. 2) Tell them that their artwork is good. It isn’t but they are a child, you monster. 3) Introduce them to sports that aren’t soccer – soccer sucks. You’re welcome.

P.S. I just asked my nine-year-old son a question: “What do you think about soccer?” His response: “I don’t think about it.” Freaking dominance! Good job boy!