Amazingly Prophetic

Maybe I went too far last week, or maybe I didn’t go far enough.

How many times have we seen people try to throw dirt on the champion? Ohio State, Notre Dame, and Clemson went to the playoffs last year and are absent this go-around.

It is hard to make it to the playoffs back-to-back. It is hard to lose five first rounders, a Heisman trophy winner, and coordinator and be the number one team in college football the next season. It is hard to score 41 points on the number one defense – that had apparently ever played college football.

But you know what, if it was easy, then every team would be the Alabama Crimson Tide. We run this show and every other team can take a seat and enjoy the pure dominance of what Saban has led us to be.

I hope there are plenty of fans out there who don’t like Alabama. You probably sit around talking about the things that Saban has done wrong. He complained about the hurry up offense. Then two years later he leads the conference in offensive plays per game. Cry me a river.

For years Saban has ripped students about not staying for games where we beat the shit out of teams, and now he complains that students and fans take the team for granted and are self-absorbed. He went from one week talking to the media about rat poison to either one week or two weeks later talking about how we, as fans, don’t appreciate when we win. We should all have some appreciation and gratitude.

Nobody feels more pain when we lose. Nobody feels more joy than we win, and nobody has their draft status affected more than the Alabama football players – all except for the joy about winning. That’s because our players expect to win and that is why they came to Alabama. As for the losing part… yeah, that sucks. But it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, you get that crap fixed.

Let me lay out the genius plan that he rolled out against Georgia: protect Bryce Young and he can win the game. That is it. Notice, I didn’t say pass protect – just protect Bryce Young. That middle school sized young man with a pencil thin mustache has a right arm that makes him the best player on whatever patch of grass he finds himself on at game time. Stetson cologne smells great, and I can’t believe Stetson Bennet got to start on a number one ranked team. For shame on us all!

How did I feel when we were the rightful SEC champions again?

Bo Nix

J.T Daniel’s diseased brother. The best ability of an athlete is availability. Players play. Do you know how many times Jordan had surgery after the season bro? Exactly! It is because he didn’t come to the freaking post game wearing a cast like the queen.

To Cincinnati

I don’t want to go all William Belichick here – but we are on to Cincinnati.  Cincinnati… hmmm… wait did Kenyon Martin break his leg? Yeah, that’s the last time I thought of Cincinnati. He played basketball, for those that don’t know – get older.

Stick Talk

If you ain’t a starter, then don’t get me started.

There was some sad news from Sarasota, Florida today. Former Brooklyn Dodger Shortstop Coop “Crotchhammer” Huggins, 106, died Sunday afternoon in an assisted living facility in Sarasota, Florida. Both eccentric and controversial, Crotchhammer Huggins is remembered in the hallowed halls of Major League Baseball as one of the all-time greats.

During his nine-year career from 1941 to 1950, Huggins became a household name thanks to his signature move, The Double-Dicked Cyclone. It’s a move we all now know. He would stand in the center of home plate with a baseball bat in each hand and spin around really, really fast.

Manager Leo Durocher remarked, “Yeah, the whole Double-Dicked Cyclone thing didn’t really work, but it was just sort of a fun thing that the team liked. What can I say, it was the damn 1940s!”

“You might say that Crotchhammer Huggins was an innovator. I remember as a kid going to Ebbets Field and seeing his Double-Dicked Cyclone. It was pretty funny I guess, aside from the fact that it seemed like something might have been seriously wrong with him. Like, mentally speaking” said potential Hall of Fame inductee and piece of crap drunk, horrible bowler and bad breath having Larry Fritz.

His career batting average (.115) was significantly affected in his final 2 years by his inexplicable decision to keep his sudden vision loss a secret – the result of an injury suffered while drunk and trying to seduce Roy Rogers’ famous horse Trigger during a photoshoot.

Crotchhammer was all but guaranteed to get a base hit in his first 7 seasons with the Dodgers – except of course when it was Double-Dicked Cyclone time. While it drove the fans wild, it almost always ended with Crotchhammer striking out, then hitting his knees and vomiting from the dizziness.

Crotchhammer Huggins was also a member of the historic Dodgers team when Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in 1947. When Robinson won the National League’s Most Valuable Player Award in 1949, Huggins reportedly became furiously jealous and quit the team only to return one hour later in blackface claiming to be “Fu-Brown Washington,” a supposedly new player from “out-of-town bullshit team” that had just been traded to the team.

Manager Leo Durocher remarked, “We knew it was Crotchhammer after only a few weeks. He was wearing blackface, so we were able to identify him thanks to local police officers bringing him to justice multiple times over the last few weeks. We just wanted to see how far he would take it. We even let him play a couple games as Fu-Brown. Looking back, it probably wasn’t a good idea but what can I say, it was the damn 1940’s!”

“By today’s standards Crotchhammer Huggins would be a publicity nightmare, but in the 1940’s racism was tolerated! Judging others made us feel more valued! I mean, if you were a piece of shit, at least you could to yourself, family, and friends and say, “Hey, I might be a piece of shit, but at least I have value because of something I cannot control like the level of melanin in my skin and so because of that level of jacked up thinking, I believe it self-validated us and made us feel superior. Plus, that Double-Dicked Cyclone thing was hilarious.” said Levy Gossman, Dodgers Chairman in a statement.