This article was written by a friend of Week Zero and host of the podcast My Mom Thinks Your Dumb, Beau Ray, and doesn’t not necessarily represent the views of Week Zero.

Neighborhood Kids

Let me start by saying: I don’t dominate when I play sports with my child. If it is a one-on-one situation, most of the time, I let him win. I’ve got to build that confidence and not destroy his childlike innocence – well not childlike – he is a child. Sometimes he will get a little lippy after I let him win something, so I have to beat him 10-0. Even my child has to learn; however, I will not hesitate to dominate neighborhood children.

Let me confess, and as Pettey can confirm, I will beat a child 110-14 in a game of Double Dribble. Do I only shoot the falling out of bounds three pointer? Yeah, I do. Is it a glitch in the game? Yeah, it is. So, why not exploit it. In that same vein, why not exploit a child’s limited hand eye coordination? Ridiculous!

So, when neighborhood kids come to my yard to play a game of football, what am I supposed to do? Compared to children, I’m like Barry Bonds towards the end of his career – all over horse steroids, “allegedly” or Jadaveon Clowney in high school – a literal man amongst boys.

These kids come over and want to play football or basketball or baseball, so I participate. Here’s a few parenting rules:

I, just like parents should be, am always on the same team as my son. I am trying to raise a winner. Guess which team is gonna win? The one with a fully functional adult man on it, stupid. Number sign(#) domination. I have so many things to say here, I’m mainly still mad about soccer dads, but I want to keep this a family safe environment.

First off, kids basically have no vertical leaping ability which makes them easy to Moss on or dunk over.

Secondly, kids suck at keeping score, so you can basically say anything as the score. My personal favorite is to say, “4 to 4 our lead.” They are very confused by this, and it establishes dominance.

Thirdly, DOMINATE!

D, kids are not good at smack talk, and I grew up with brothers who are 11 years older than me – which is like taking masters level classes as a child.

Lastly, how are they supposed to learn that they aren’t that good? I mean, they are kids and kids need to know that adults are way better than them at everything. Or else, why give adults respect?

Next, I remember the Dream Team. Did they make other countries better by taking it easy? No! Giving your very best like Charles Barkley elbowing the shit out of people and winning by 60 is the only way to truly respect your opponent.

Questions you should be asking: Have I made several kids look like victims of a Shaq highlight? Yes. Have my son and I won games 4 on 2, 5 on 2, 7 on 2? Yes. Do I take pride in humiliating kids as an adult? No, but it has to be done. To be honest, I don’t hate it though. Do I always win 50-0? No.

The best way to do it, is to let the neighborhood kids have hope that they could win. Seriously, sometimes they even start to spit some weak put downs and you just sponge that stuff so hard. Then, at some point you flip the switch. Again, they suck at trash talk so it usually is something like, “we are doing pretty good!” Yum yum yum! I know, soccer dads. That doesn’t sound like trash talk. Just keep your mouths shut – now and pretty much always!

When you are a competitor, everything said by an opponent can be used as trash talk. Once you flip the switch, you are gonna need to use those little nuggets like when you dunk on a child and you say, “I’m doing pretty good! Are you still doing pretty good? Remember when you were doing pretty good?” Such weak words become such strong trash talk.

We have to up these children’s game! How are they supposed to get better? If they think they are good, then why practice? If they are so good, then why work to improve?

I am not trying to go off on some ‘everybody gets a trophy’ rant, but if deep down a child thinks he can beat me at catching a football, playing basketball, or hitting a blitzball, then he or she has a rude awakening coming! And by rude awakening, I mean them going back home a loser who was dominated in every facet of athletic ability and achievement. I’m a big believer in show and tell, and show is a whole lot better than tell. I’m a grown ass man, so don’t bring that weak stuff around me!! I would never tell that to a child, but I will show that in an example of total dominance.

You’re welcome soccer dads. This is what needs to be done to make these kids into actual human beings – rather than some crap wannabe tik tac snapcrap stars.

Social media apps are ruining America’s youth. Dominate your child and his or her friends today, or learn the language of whoever will easily take us over in the future.

Football Things

What did I learn this weekend? Anybody can beat anybody, unless one of those anybody’s Alabama. Georgia is really good and Ole Miss should go 11-1.

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