This article was written by a friend of Week Zero and host of the podcast My Mom Thinks Your Dumb, Beau Ray, and doesn’t not necessarily represent the views of Week Zero.

Courtroom Attire

What is appropriate? A suit.

I mean, of course that is the right answer, but is it the only answer? Let me beg a favor from you and ask that you open your mind to a new possibility for a second. How much does a suit cost? At least $100, right? I mean honestly you are not getting a good suit at all for that, but some people don’t have money. And then, what kind of impression are you putting out there for yourself if you show up to court in a $100 suit? A bad one at the very least. So, imagine you don’t have Coach Boone, from Remember the Titans, that can tell you about how to get a suit from a drunk or a bum.

What do you do? Well, you’ve come to the right place.

Again, the best choice would be to wear a nice suit and hire a good (expensive) lawyer. But this strategy is about how to get the best verdict possible on a budget. I propose that a better choice would be to show up in a Karate gi.

Think about the message you are sending. You show that you are a serious person, also that you have commitment, and dedication to learning a craft. What judge in their right mind would not appreciate that? Are you still not convinced? Ok, you are dumb, but I will convince you with two more words Mr. Miyagi. He was able to make a little bitch into an All-Valley Karate Champion. You’re welcome.

Atlanta Braves

Baseball is about to become watchable folks, and I for one couldn’t be happier. Just kidding, it is still really boring, but at least these games matter. We all know that the Atlanta Braves were the team of the 90’s. If any idiot tries to claim they weren’t, then count yourself lucky – because at least you now know that person has shit for brains. It is like someone saying, “Yeah, John Elway was good, but he hasn’t won a Super Bowl since 1999. The truth is John Elway was good, much like the Yankees. But the Braves were like Joe Montana, except for not winning every time they went to the World Series like Joe Montana did in Super Bowls. I guess the Braves are more like John Elway though because he lost a lot of Super Bowls – like the Braves lost a few World Series. I like Joe Montana and the Braves, and Elway and the Yankees are both bags of trash – so I will continue with my previous metaphor.

In, 1991 Kent Hrbeck, ‘wrestler moved’ Ron Gant’s leg off the bag. Such Horseshit! So, that’s one they blew. Where were the Yankees? Trash.

In 1992, Joe Carter and Canada stole it from the Braves. They should have worn a mask and carried a gun because there was such theft. That’s two. Yankees? Suck.

In 1993, well every single person on the Phillies team was on steroids – allegedly. That is three for the Braves. Yankees suck still.

In 1994, I could lie and say the Braves would have won, but everyone knows the Expos were ridiculous.

1995 Champions!!! Where were the Yankees? Dealing their souls to the mafia.

So 1996, did I mention the mafia paying off the umps? Just watch Analyze This. All the sudden, a strike is not a strike?!? We won the first two games of the Series like 100 to nothing. I will never forgive the Gambino crime family (allegedly).

Then in 1997 a bunch of mercenaries from the Marlins beat the Braves to go win a championship. So, if not for mafia, steroids, and mercenaries the Braves would have 5 championships and the Yankees are like Elway without Terrel Davis.

In 1998 the Braves would have won but didn’t. The Yankees had Roger Clemens – on steroids, so they won. Yay!

The last year, 1999 Rudy Giuliani was cleaning up the streets of NYC, but not the mafia fixing the Yankees sweep of the Braves. So, if you are scoring at home, that is at least 6 championships for the Braves if everything was legal and fair, and the Yankees still suck.

Suck it Pettey!