A gorilla in deep thought. This is meant to indicate that Pettey, on his good days, might be as smart as a very thoughtful gorilla.

In this column I will bring you my musings from the week that was in college football. It is SEC heavy as usual. In the SEC, it just means more…except officiating, where they are about as accurate as the movie Rudy. The B1G came roaring on the scene last weekend with a few surprises. And the Big12 has already become an afterthought.

The SEC Hates Auburn

If you are a fan of this goofy sport, it’s inevitable you have seen where the SEC officials literally gave Auburn their second win of the season. Yes, for the few true believer Auburn fans out there, it is physically impossible to bend your ring finger backwards in that way without help – or being a circus freak… it happened.

However, everyone is so up in arms about Auburn getting these breaks that people are falling for the ruse. You guys are playing checkers, the SEC league office is playing Chinese Checkers. The only rational explanation is the SEC hates Auburn fans.

Everyone associated with the SEC knows that fans have long since thrown in the towel on the Gus Bus down there on the Native American Burial Grounds of Lee County. These sketchy wins are just forcing the Plains People to keep him a while longer, which may actually be better financially. Have you seen that dude’s buyout?

Speaking of financial decisions…the best gig on the planet is being a fired SEC coach. It’s like robbing a damn bank. Most coaches eventually get paid more to lose to Nick Saban than to beat him.

As pissed as fans of Kentucky (yeah, they got screwed too), Arky, and Ole Miss rightfully are, it’s the folks in Auburn getting the short end of this stick.

Outback Bowl 4 Life!

One Point Bama

The Bama score was one point from making me look like Nostradamus in my pick segment. Yes, I do one of those as well…insomnia is awesome. I had the Tide Rolling 49-17, and it finished at 48-17. I’m sort of a big deal…just don’t read the other picks.

The most notable thing from this game was the always classic, post-game Bama Cigar Celebration Pics. A close friend, that shares my name, and I will always cherish the time when Ruben Foster was smoking a ‘square’ instead of a cigar. I’m pretty sure that was the same year we smoked a Black ‘n’ Mild in celebration… in our 30’s – ‘twas all we could find.

This year featured another classic shot or better yet, reveal, in said pictures. Bama QB, Mac Jones, who maybe the second-best Bama QB in our lifetime, makes Tom Brady’s draft photo (look it up) look like Rocky. Seriously one of the top 3 QB’s in all of college football is sporting a 20-year in-the-works dad bod. Bless you son… bless you… from the bottom of my dad bod heart.

O’Chizck…Oh My

So, to distract from the awesome performances by his team this year, Coach O’Chizck had some promiscuous pictures slip on the internet. I don’t have enough space to discuss the hilarity and horror of O and his lady friend nekkid… pray nothing tops 2020 in our lifetime.

Anyway, turns out he should have let it ride and saved the pictures for another day. He finally figured out, after 5 years, that his QB Miles Brennan wasn’t good. He put in this 6’6” freshman and suddenly, the offense exploded for 54 points. Not sure where this version of LSU has been. It’s going make picking their games a breeze going forward.

Are the Vols Back?

Lane Broke Twitter

Monday night, October 27th, 2020, the year of our lord, Lane set the Twittersphere ablaze. He is known for having a strong Twitter game, as is… But Monday he hit the proverbial ‘eff it’ button and ascended to Twitter legend.

As, you know by now, the refs screwed Ole Miss. Lane mentioned it in his weekly press conference.  He said he asked the line judge why they weren’t reviewing the play and could he challenge the call on the field.  He was told it was reviewed. After meeting with the SEC league office to clarify Kiffin said, “I’m not allowed to say anything about the conversation, but I really wish that our fans and players could hear what I was told.”

Apparently, he was told by the league he couldn’t disclose the details of their meeting. Which… he did, and then got fined. The league later admitted the botching of the call. So, he got fined for telling the truth… after the entity he accused admitted he was right. Now, he has to pay a fine… while said entity hides under a veil of secrecy. Welcome to Communist Russia boys and girls.

At this point, the spiral of awesome + insanity is engaged. Lane hits Twitter to apologize to his son for losing his college education money. He then insinuates he is going to pay the 25k fine in pennies, which he completely botches the math on how many pennies that would take…twice. Twitter hilariously let him have it for being good at math. Lane, not to be outplayed sends a direct message to the SEC office citing his miscalculation and requested a review to get it correct. The Oxford Police have offered to escort him to pay the fine and the Waffle House in Oxford stated they were adding his name to the building.

I do not care if he wins another game in Oxford. BUILD HIS STATUE NOW!

Spitting Fire Around the League

There is no fire to spit, there were four freaking games.

Kats and Cocks regressed to the mean…shocker, I know.

The biggest hires of the off season were Kiffin and Leach. The most productive thus far are Pittman and Drinkwitz. Of course.

The Other Teams that Play Football

Hard to make fun of Harbaugh when he shoves it up the other team’s arse.

Indiana beat Penn St. in stunning fashion with a 2-point conversion in overtime. It couldn’t have happened to a better guy in Tom Allen. He is one of the good guys in sports and his kids love him. Check out the post-game locker room celebration.

Back to Harbaugh, was Row the Boat overrated? Has he finally built a good team? This won’t be nearly as fun if Michigan is good.

In shocking news Ohio State is good. Sorry Jim.

In more shocking news Nebraska is not. Hey Frost, hard to win when all your o-line isn’t snorting steroids, and your choir boy coach (Tom Osborne for the young ones reading) isn’t bringing in players like Lawrence Phillips, is it?  Any who, I bet it’s nicer to live in Lincoln than Orlando anyway.

Luke Fickell (Cincinnati coach, you goofy SEC nuts), and Hand Job Hugh Freeze are setting themselves up for a bigger job. Cincinnati is fun to watch and not just for those sweet red and black uni’s.  Guesses are Fickell gets his pick of B1G openings. The way Freeze has Liberty playing, it is inevitable someone will give him a shot sooner or later…Plains People of Lee County, I’m looking at you. Freeze can flat out coach, can he recruit again on the big stage?

If the Big-12 played football, and nobody watched, did it actually happen?

Hey, respond in the comments, tell me I’m an idiot that doesn’t know what I’m talking about or that I’m the greatest sportswriter you have ever seen. Or just show it to someone, and LISTEN TO THE PODCAST! Until next time!